Friday, August 17, 2012
I love my husband, I'm sure of it. I've never really doubted that even during his road trip. What did he call it? He said he was... "Breathing". I think that's what it was. It sounded like that... Anyway, he's back and he's good. Things are good. We only shout at bad drivers and football games now. But the longer I've been with him, there's been this... I don't know, but it's in me that until lately I couldn't quantify, and weirdly I would say I felt this when we first met, but now it has a new meaning. Anyway, so this isn't why I married him, but it helped a lot the way he kissed me. I thought it told me the man he'd be. He'd grab the back of my neck, like this, and he'd pull me in. But it wasn't forced. He just supported me. 'Cause as wonderful as I thought him and as beautiful as I felt standing on the pier next to him, insecurity would make its way in my mind because there was no way I was as wonderful as he thought me or that he felt handsome with me next to him. This would flicker as he kissed me and I hated it. I still hate the feeling. But I'd feel that for only that second until I felt his hand on the back of my neck pulling me in and keeping me there as I stuttered away, because it felt like he wanted me there or like he wanted me to think he wanted me there. That for some reason I made him feel handsome and my doubt would leave. And this doubt came back over and over obviously, but his hand would destroy it everytime. And every time it went away, it made this burning. That's the word, burning. This burning in me I couldn't describe until recently, which is what I meant to tell you earlier. Sorry, I got sidetracked. Anyway, do you have a match? Well, next time you do, put a match to the box. Press it against the wall of it as though you're going to light it. That's it. Don't light the match, just keep pressure on the match against the starter. You'll see what I mean and the burning is far more intense then the flame will be or could make. So, it's no wonder, to me at least, why I said, "Yes," when he proposed during those months we were together. I told him how I loved his kisses on a date a couple years before his "breathing" escape or whatever and that's when he told me he learned that "trick" from "Men's Health Magazine." He said "trick." I know he was trying to be cute and I dropped my cigarette as I laughed for him. It landed on my foot. I haven't worn open toed shoes since then. Huh.